Thursday, October 23, 2014

Meaning or Nothing

I'm not edgy and I'm not cool. I don't like to party all the time, do drugs, chase money and status, date a lot of guys, or make a bunch of fake friends. I'm quirky, cutesy, cheesy, dark, anxious, analytical, and mental. A person that needs to express herself through art to feel okay about living in this world as herself. A person that values what is genuine and meaningful far, far above all that isn't. 

I am a sexual person. But more than that, I am proper and hopelessly romantic, and vulgar speak and action repulse me. Sex and human bodies viewed in such empty, meaningless ways is really sad to me. 

I am a person with high standards and expectations, especially for myself, and I strive for greatness. I dream grand dreams and believe that those dreams can come true and that miracles do happen. 

I am very silly and I love to laugh and have fun, but things matter to me. Whether it's how I spend the couple of hours I have after work before I have to sleep, what I do with any discretionary money I have, or what I eat for lunch. These little things I absolutely care about because every little decision you make adds up. It matters. 

No matter how ridiculously I present myself at times, I am very serious about life. I am very serious about the things that matter to me. This is who I am. I will not change who I am or compromise my integrity for popularity and success. Above all things, I need my life to have meaning. Because of this need, I want only what is genuine, or nothing at all.

Sunday, October 12, 2014


Apparently, I'm an #INFJ and only one percent of the world has this personality type, making it the rarest of all 16 types. Makes a lot of sense. #freak #weirdo #alien #foreveranalien (Reading all about type INFJ and hoooly crap, it is so accurately me.)

Omg, if you want to know a lot about who I am, look all the way through this:

Lololol. I wanted to post a few parts, but I would just 

end up posting all of it because it's all so true.

Thursday, October 9, 2014


I absolutely compare myself to other people, all the time. And I don't even bother comparing myself to my peers. I compare myself to my inspirations; the people that are the best at what they do. I definitely need self-validation for my own existence. I totally battle thoughts and feelings about not being good enough. But forever doing what I do, and working my ass off to get better, is what helps battle my feelings of inadequacy. And when I do these things, it's not even to prove myself to the world. It's to prove myself to... myself. Y'know. Be good enough for me.

Like, maybe I won't be the single most beautiful, the funniest, the most talented, or the most brilliant... but I will work damn hard to be a great amount of all of those things. Like, maybe this person will be more beautiful than me, but they're not more talented, or funnier, or whatever.

What is special about me will be in everything I am, and not just one thing.

I will work to become that girl that can do anything. 
And not just do anything, but do anything well.

Look, I am confident in myself, as I am. 
But do I feel dreadfully insecure sometimes, 
especially when witnessing great beauty, talent, 
brilliance, etc?


But doing what I do is the only way I can feel okay about myself.

How do other people even deal 

with these thoughts and emotions?

fuckedupmentalities‬ #iknow

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Everything Is A Competition

I think what is most annoying about me to people is that I see what they love to do, and I try (or already do) it myself. I guess I am a bit of an asshole for doing that in the first place, but I can't help it. There are so many things I want to experience! Your ego is not going to stop me! Lolll. ‪#‎everythingisacompetition‬

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Idea of A Person

Loving the idea of a person isn't the same as loving someone as the whole person they are. Regardless of how much people choose to share with the world at large, you never really know someone until you're face to face, up close and personal, exchanging words, sharing real experiences, really experiencing each other, one on one. I can't truly love you if I don't know you.

It's the same with me. I share quite a lot about myself with the world,
but very, very few actually know me and who I really am.

Maybe you can deeply admire, but if it is a love, it's a superficial one.
I finally realize this now. I am happy to be disillusioned.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I get so terrified sometimes.

I can't ever remember a time when I could actually handle this reality, living this life, what it means to be alive in this world. I think that's why there's art in everything I do; why I'm constantly creative, and why I feel like dying when I'm not creating. When things get too real, I can't handle it and I freak out and retreat back into my own created reality.

Since I was a very young child, I was always very aware of my mortality. I always felt I could die at any moment. I always felt I was going to. And even 'til today, I haven't committed myself to planning for or even thinking I have a future because I know everything could be taken from me at any moment. So, consequentially, I've been so detached from everyone and everything, including myself.

As time went by, to deal with this frightening mindset, I had chosen to not care about anything. And it has worked. But the moment I start to care about someone or something -- and I do from time to time -- I feel love so passionately, and because of that, I become so intensely overwhelmed with fear and worry. So much so that I can't even handle caring and I have to separate myself from whoever or whatever it is, and continue living in isolation. Where I can't lose anything I love, and where no one can love or attach themselves to me and lose me when I go. Where it's just me. Just me and my art.

I've been like this for as long as I can remember, and I really don't know why.

I'm scared and I'm crying off my makeup, when I should be on my way to work. 

How does everyone else handle this shit?

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Diet Stuff: Eating Advice

Don't concern yourself with calories.
Concern yourself with what kinds of foods you're putting into your body!

Nix processed/artificial foods.

Go suuuper lite on meat. (Or go without it.)

Lite on dairy.

Opt for complex carbs. (Stay away from gluten-type
carbs like most pastas and breads as much as possible.
Rice is better. Especially brown rice.)

Eggs are real good.

Heavy, heavy on the veggies, esp those leafy greens;
spinach, kale, arugula, collard, chard, cabbage, romaine, etc.

Fruits are cool too.


Fresh food is the best food. 

Try your hardest to GO ORGANIC and NON-GMO!

Also!!! I just discovered and fell in love with this 
organic multi-grain bread brand!!! 
They make having bread/sandwiches okay. :D 

I've been eating full meals, not skimping on portions, and I've been losing weight and have been crazy energetic. (Y'know, after letting myself eat like a fat stupid for a little while.) Yeaaahhh!

Salads aren't as bad as you think. Pop a can of wild caught tuna or salmon (or fresh if you can afford it lols) or a little bit of cheese in there, and some of your favorite dressing, and you're set. (I think dressing is totally fine. You don't have to completely torture yourself. Just look for a good quality dressing; organic, the least artificial ingredients you can find, etc.) I buy these big tubs of organic kale, spinach, and arugula, at $5 each, toss some together in a bowl or container with the aforementioned ingredients and POW! Super quick, healthy meal. ^.^

Losing weight doesn't have to mean starving yourself.
You can eat a lot. JUST EAT THE RIGHT FOODS.

HAPPY EATING! And happy super hawt figure status! :D