Sunday, September 21, 2014

I get so terrified sometimes.

I can't ever remember a time when I could actually handle this reality, living this life, what it means to be alive in this world. I think that's why there's art in everything I do; why I'm constantly creative, and why I feel like dying when I'm not creating. When things get too real, I can't handle it and I freak out and retreat back into my own created reality.

Since I was a very young child, I was always very aware of my mortality. I always felt I could die at any moment. I always felt I was going to. And even 'til today, I haven't committed myself to planning for or even thinking I have a future because I know everything could be taken from me at any moment. So, consequentially, I've been so detached from everyone and everything, including myself.

As time went by, to deal with this frightening mindset, I had chosen to not care about anything. And it has worked. But the moment I start to care about someone or something -- and I do from time to time -- I feel love so passionately, and because of that, I become so intensely overwhelmed with fear and worry. So much so that I can't even handle caring and I have to separate myself from whoever or whatever it is, and continue living in isolation. Where I can't lose anything I love, and where no one can love or attach themselves to me and lose me when I go. Where it's just me. Just me and my art.

I've been like this for as long as I can remember, and I really don't know why.

I'm scared and I'm crying off my makeup, when I should be on my way to work. 

How does everyone else handle this shit?

never give up, never surrender

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Diet Stuff: Eating Advice

Don't concern yourself with calories.
Concern yourself with what kinds of foods you're putting into your body!

Nix processed/artificial foods.

Go suuuper lite on meat. (Or go without it.)

Lite on dairy.

Opt for complex carbs. (Stay away from gluten-type
carbs like most pastas and breads as much as possible.
Rice is better. Especially brown rice.)

Eggs are real good.

Heavy, heavy on the veggies, esp those leafy greens;
spinach, kale, arugula, collard, chard, cabbage, romaine, etc.

Fruits are cool too.


Fresh food is the best food. 

Try your hardest to GO ORGANIC and NON-GMO!

Also!!! I just discovered and fell in love with this 
organic multi-grain bread brand!!! 
They make having bread/sandwiches okay. :D 

I've been eating full meals, not skimping on portions, and I've been losing weight and have been crazy energetic. (Y'know, after letting myself eat like a fat stupid for a little while.) Yeaaahhh!

Salads aren't as bad as you think. Pop a can of wild caught tuna or salmon (or fresh if you can afford it lols) or a little bit of cheese in there, and some of your favorite dressing, and you're set. (I think dressing is totally fine. You don't have to completely torture yourself. Just look for a good quality dressing; organic, the least artificial ingredients you can find, etc.) I buy these big tubs of organic kale, spinach, and arugula, at $5 each, toss some together in a bowl or container with the aforementioned ingredients and POW! Super quick, healthy meal. ^.^

Losing weight doesn't have to mean starving yourself.
You can eat a lot. JUST EAT THE RIGHT FOODS.

HAPPY EATING! And happy super hawt figure status! :D

Monday, September 8, 2014

Oppressive Pressures

I think men feel the same pressure to have nice bodies as women do. I think (good-looking) men are also objectified. All of these oppressive things that have generally been so women-specific absolutely affect men in the same way. I know this because I am part of the group who is applying the pressure. LOL. ‪#‎werk‬ ‪#‎Iwanttoownyou‬


The things I feel most passionately about are music, visual art, styling + fashion design, dance, cinema(writing, directing, acting), and performance. I wish I could do those things everyday, at every moment.

Friday, September 5, 2014

Physical, Sexual. Mental, Emotional.

I  never thought I could ever be that girl that could really harness her sexuality and use it to convey art/vision/emotion, or to use it as power. Even my rawest self isn't that raw. At least I didn't think so.

There is always so much to be explored within oneself. What do I even know is beneath layer upon layer upon layer of inhibition? I know I've succeeded in freeing my vulnerable emotional and mental self. But my physical, sexual self? Oh gosh, I'm not there! I'm not there yet!

My physical, sexual self and my mental, emotional self, together, in unison? AAHHH

Art > Kitsch

Damn, everyone's all showing their ass, twerking on camera, and shit. I mean, even people with talent. C'mon. You have talent! Show that off! Y'know, instead of choosing to entertain dirty, disgusting idiots by suggestively jumbling your body around, shoving your reproductive organs in front of a camera lens... Maybe it won't get you as many views or make you as much money, but doesn't anyone care about art anymore? And emotions? And meaning?!